Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
