What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
