Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Randomize
