Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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