We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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