but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Randomize
