I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
