You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
