this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize