I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
