i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
