just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
