OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
