I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
