The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
