dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
