omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize