We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
