Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize