ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
