ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
