no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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