I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
