I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
