i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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