you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
