My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Randomize
