How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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