I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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