And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize
