meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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