I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
