Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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