Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
