I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
