you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
