On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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