I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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