The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize
