Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
My vagina just clenched in fear
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
