omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
As shirtless as possible
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
