STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
