I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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