so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
