He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Randomize
