I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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