My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize