we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Randomize