I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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