I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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