So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
