My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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