Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
