and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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