Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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