I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
