remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Found your dick twin last night
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Randomize
