I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
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