How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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