Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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